2014 – a new year

… The New Year; Interpret as you wish; from celebrations in your towns to personal reflections and resolutions; what does the coming New Year mean to you?

Yes, I will write this.  I have sat down, stood up, got another cup of coffee and a yogurt, sat down, stood up, walked in a circle and sat down again.    It is time to put it down on paper (screen doesn't sound as romantic).  2013 was all about losing Camillo.  Change, adjustment, uncertainty and more uncertainty, but also tears and laughter, more sadness and little joy; there is no way to talk about 2013 and what is to come in 2014 without including him in the story.  So I write.

2013 – a long year, a fast year, filled with things to do, legal things and just things.  I traveled, avoiding staying at my daughter’s house for long periods; trying to hang on to travel, one of the things that made us a couple.  Travel, we did a lot of it and I tried to hang on. 

I went to Sarasota Fl. to visit my sister in her winter home.  I flew back to Brasil for a week to take care of banking issues; walking the downtown streets looking for Camillo.  I spent a month in Michigan trying to stick with a plan of driving around the state to see more, but mainly sitting on the sofa watching TV with my mother, (a good thing really).  Driving to Michigan with RioRose and back home with Patty, seeing the country; trying to hang on to, but returning with new resolve to let go.

A broken arm in July slowed me down but didn't stop my Italy Trip.  One month in a rented apartment in Rome, walking, walking, walking; eating goat’s cheese and parmesan, drinking coffee with milk, spending time with Camillo’s sister, a bit of wine and a little more Prosecco (sparkling white wine): prosciutto di Parma, green sweet olives and fresh tomatoes from the market; all of our favorite things.  And for myself: long walks with the camera, finding a small pastry shop, going to wine tastings, eating gelato of all flavors, buying train tickets by myself, travel to Lucca and writing a long letter to Camillo, telling him of my experiences in Italy.  Knowing he was smiling all the while.  Coming home with new( er) resolve.  Feeling courageous and happy: I can do this.

Then the holidays.  A bit of a set back.  Now the tears where there haven't been any before.  Maybe now I am really letting go and letting go hurts.  I finally hung his picture on the wall of my room.  I still have his shaving lotion in a bag under my bed – it is losing its ‘Camillo’ smell.  Seeing his children and grandchildren enjoying the house in Friburgo over the holidays – hurts.  But I don't think I am still looking backwards, maybe the eyes are a little more in front.  ‘What to do next’ is more prominent than ‘what we did then’. 

This is what 2014 will be about.  What next?  The real Transition. Some plans:   I know now that plans are to be left behind, forgotten, changed, remade, reinvented, rediscovered, but it is a direction.  Plans are not sitting watching TV or playing games on the iPad.  Plans are movement, energy, forward: change.  And change is not forgetting but using the past to make the future better.  Now, I know these things, the phrases roll of my pen (keyboard doesn’t do it) with ease, now I just have to use this bit of knowledge to make change happen.  This next week I start looking for a small house or a large apartment to make Spritzer and my home.  This is the biggest, most important step to take for all other plans hinge from that location, wherever it may be. 

Happy New Year to all my blogger friends, and to my family.  Much love and happiness to you all for many years to come. 

GingerV