Transitions

I am now, really and truly, looking at my final days in Brasil.  I started ‘Flowers’ as an experiment, just to learn something new, pass the time, and it evolved into a means of talking about, of showing you my world.  It is full of the inevitable comparisons between the USA that I knew so well and Brasil, a country that I was learning to understand and to, at times, love.  It also, from time to time, became a voice to my efforts to know and understand myself as I have changed through aging and experiences, and now may become a place for me to express all the changes I will have to make as I return to the place where I started.  

I find that this idea of changing back has occupied my thoughts at the oddest moments; while visiting my sister a month or so ago, or when in a hot shower, just walking mindlessly through the grocery store, or while standing in long lines, waiting.  The idea of what defines us now and of how we make our way back to a place where we are comfortable with ourselves, and our expectations is a question that needs answering.  Are we the sum of all our titles held: daughter, sister, wife, mother, grandmother, divorcee, wife, widow or of the things we enjoy doing: reader, talker, walker, dancer, cook or what others see from the outside looking in, student, bookkeeper, manager and back to student once more.  How will those secret character traits we keep so well hidden: shy, unsure, child, needy, affect us while we wait for the transition back to be complete. 

I suspect we are all ever evolving.  Sometimes being influenced by our hidden traits and at others, being pushed forward by who we have become to be that person we have yet to meet.  I suspect that the transition takes time and patience.  That in the end all those titles we have been, become a part of our new self.  Like a well cooked stew, in the end all the components add taste and character; widening, shaping, determining who we will be next. 

A Flash of Memories

Today Camillo has been gone two months, and even today I can’t really believe that he is not here with me and his family.  I have spent nearly the complete two months looking back through our photo albums.  Albums that we started after our first trips in 1992 and ended with the my first digital camera Camillo gave me for Christmas 2002.  After that I stored all my digital photos in folders on an exterior drive, thousand and thousand of photos from all of our trips, parties, celebrations, all the good times.

In February of 2007, I started writing on ‘notanissionary’ as a guest writer and nearly simultaneously started Flowers on the side; a blog for the purpose of posting color and photos from time to time.  Through these two blogs I began to track our trips and other activities in real-time.  I didn’t always post about all of the trip, maybe the leaving or just the return, but I have photos of nearly everything we did over our 20 years together.  I find this a comfort; not many people can say their lives have been so thoroughly documented. 

(The countryside near Alba)

My last photo post was from Torino.  From there we traveled to Alba and on to Como.  I have yet to look at all the photos from that last week, but I will.  I wouldn't want to miss the memories they represent.  All of our last week, the last day, the last hours are documented in photos. 

(Lake Como)

The last day was a day well spent.  A sit on a bench sharing a panna cotta flavored ice cream, gelato; a day filled with laughter, and good food, and friends and new sights.   All  the things that our life was filled with, all twenty years, no one can ask for more than that; a lifetime of memories.